So lately, my mood is like a leaf hanging in the wind, picking up and dropping back down in an instant, but mostly its representative of one that has dropped, turned colour and dried out with the weather, just waiting for a large foot to come along and shatter it into a thousand pieces. This is not a post for attention, but I needed to write it down to get it out and now i’m deciding to post it – right or wrong, who knows.
I am, despite 80% of my latest content displaying scenes of a low mood, generally a positive and upbeat person. I find it easy to listen to the worries and anxieties of another person because I spend a good portion of my day surrounded by those that are suffering. They say it takes a certain type of person to work in the NHS, and that I believe. We do have to put on a brave face, when a lot of the time that face wishes to be anything but brave. That’s where the real test of our character is found; when we return home and have to make that decision. Do you take off that mask to reveal a vulnerable and some days a little crushed person that needs to be waited on because the stress of the day was just too much, or do you keep it on because you do such a good job at keeping that make-up on all day that you need to maintain duties past 6pm as a wife, a sister, a mother, a daughter, a friend… Truth is, I don’t want to be a hero without a cape at home. I want to take it off and rub every part of that 10 hour shift away from my ageing face and tired body, but I can’t… because I am such a good listener. It is not fair to turn to my friends who love the bones off me and have quite literally been my rocks during the weakest time of my life, to say that I don’t want to talk because I just sat listening to a lady tell me she has 6 months to live before running around like a blue arse fly trying to catch up on 6 treatments that have all been delayed because I decided to spend an extra 20 minutes sharing a little empathy with that lady. Is it even fair on the flip side, that I spend too much of my personal time trying to reassure and listen to others issues that I’m mentally exhausted to provide enough empathy to the patients I see or the colleagues that have to work with me, because after all this is the hand that feeds me and supplies me with the income that caters for the life I lead and I can’t afford to let that standard slide. How do we create that perfect balance?
At some point in our lives, we juggle so many moving balls that we simply cannot afford to drop a single one of them. It is at this point that everyone else’s balls seem to be that of circus standard. The ones with 3 perfectly coloured sections on each, representing a healthy balance of love, life and self-care, all moving simultaneously whilst the juggler never seems to lose focus. I know this isn’t the case, but we can’t tell ourselves that when its all we see, or at least what our brains are telling us. I even asked myself the other day if it will be me, out of all my friends that will be the one never to bring a baby home. Whilst I may hear all the positivity in the world, I can’t help but see you as the juggler who never dropped your balls and qualified for the circus. Little do I know, you probably dropped one a long time ago and have been practising ever since to reach perfection, which you deserve. I think this is my analysis of jealousy. Right now, I am the mother without her baby, feeling jealous of you with yours, but deep down I know your story wasn’t or won’t always be easy and you deserve the happiness that your baby brings.
I think in amongst this, I feel guilt. I am sorry that I too have been the one you are jealous of. Perhaps you are currently on a separate page to your partner and then you come across my post that shows how loving my relationship is with my husband and you envy our early morning coastal walks I’ve been shoving under your nose. If you can’t tell, I’ve done a bit of reflecting over the past few days, primarily because I’ve felt completely shit and I know for a fact my hormones have been taking their lead role in it. I guess I want everyone to take something from this post – that whatever week seems to hit your weak spot this month or year, I hear ya. It’s crap to feel that you are struggling, but don’t jump to conclusions, your not in the depths of despair, you probably just need picking up a little bit and things will get brighter. If you don’t have the energy to tell yourself this yet then don’t. Someone recently gave me permission to hide under a duvet and watch dirty dancing, then try snapping out of it after a large bowl of whipped up mint choc chip. Despite the fact it’s gone against all form of motivation from my legs, bums and tums instructor – it’s helping.