I have never been a fan of welcoming the new year. Something just always feels so eery about it, although luckily Jason and I often find ourselves settled into a small gathering with our best buds at the time the clock strikes midnight that the significance of it all seems to pass me by in a nice daze. This year, my phone turned to all the zeros as we were amongst a competitive game of pictionary – just the way I prefer. Every year is the same, we have ups and we have downs. The start of 2019 has been no different.
As much as I don’t like the concept of new year, I despise resolutions even more. So here goes my first hypocritical evaluation of myself as I say that this year I want to focus more on my writing and being honest with it. Last week a work colleague told me that she read my blog the other day and gave me a little flutter of warmth inside. I have always just written as therapy for myself, this is the reason my instagram still has no more than about 300 followers – my account was private for the best part of 4 years as the thought of everyone knowing my business felt a little unsettling, until I began reading lifestyle blogs and finding myself belly laughing and crying all at the same time over the real-life moments that we are all going through – admitting it to ourselves or not. Songwriters pour their hearts out for all to hear, no matter what the triumph or heartbreak and as a result some people love the song and some people hate it. The same goes for each of our little life stories, if you don’t like the song we’re singing then you don’t have to listen.
The last thing I want to do is start with a downer of a blog post. I’m actually sat listening to some pretty cheery music as I write this so don’t foresee this as a downward spiral of unwanted attention. Its a mere documentation of a moment of realisation that I had after a small hiccup. Yesterday was a tough day and without going into the fine detail (purely because minor arguments don’t warrant that much airtime) I realised how much that I personally struggle with confrontation and heated debates. I am sure most people don’t revel in glory at the thought of these unexpected occurrences, but I am pretty sure the older I am getting, the less I know how to handle these unwanted situations. One half of me almost knows that they need to exist and that views and opinions are meant to be shared and heard but the other half of me can’t fathom how to position my hands as my mind goes completely blank in the midst of it all, ultimately leaving me looking like nothing other than a deer in the headlights. I should also point out that this isn’t an excuse for not having a ‘backbone’ when it comes to my own point of view, but actually applies when I am in the same room as a messy conversation between others and a topic that has no relevance to me what soever. Whilst these scenarios aren’t exactly something I want to practice in order to perfect, I think it’s important to acknowledge elements of our own personalities that sometimes we struggle with. I am completely that person that demands we spend the next hour following an argument talking it out to resolve our differences for fear of upcoming silence or distance being 10x worse. Perhaps this is the key ingredient to a happy marriage or maybe just self sanity but either way, doing something is better than doing nothing, right?
Now I’m off to cuddle Jason on the sofa before he reads this and rolls his eyes at everyone picturing us in disagreement, although I could tell you about our attempt at ‘couples yoga’ in our front room today that will have you picturing us in hysterics of agreement, but I’m not sure which one he’d roll his eyes at more.
Happy evening all.