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'What is it that you do again?'

'What is it that you do again?'

March 3, 2016

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I’m 14 days late because there’s a pit and a p

I’m 14 days late because there’s a pit and a peak to every single day, but in true @disastersofathirtysomething style, I’m rolling out my first one of 2021..

Peak: The past few mornings I’ve been using Phoebes routine wash and change time to make up a story using her stuffed rainbow monkey, rattle panda and bean filled giraffe (or GiGi as he is better known), today they went to the water park and Phoebe had to encourage panda to overcome his fear of water slides. She very much enjoyed this puppet display and I had a solid 10 minutes of excited leg kicks and gurgling smiles. She wasn’t the only one who enjoyed the performance as just after GiGi took his turn on the water slide, I heard giggling from the observation deck aka. Daddy in the door way watching the whole thing 🤦🏼‍♀️. In that moment, right there, that’s what we picture when we think of having children and it warmed my soul a little.

Pit: The past 3 nights (last night wasn’t the worst), I have barely slept. It’s been a testing 72 hours and I’ve found myself doubting my understanding. I feel that we are now reaching the age whereby we can determine what signals Phoebe is trying to give us when she gets upset, but the past three nights I’ve had no idea and it reminded me just how hard this gig is. (Still, these hard moments could never outweigh the joy of stuffed teddy’s at a water park).. but it happens to the best of us and I sat googling whether to feed her every time she woke in the night, try to let her self soothe, soothe her myself, etc. etc. It could be a growth spurt, it could be a slight pain, it could be early signs of teething, but I just didn’t know and with a sleep deprived head on my shoulders I couldn’t fathom an answer so I struggled through it, doing all of the above at different times until the sun rose and it was at a respectable enough hour I could take myself off to my parents for a hot shower and a cooked meal. (Also very much realising my privilege in being allowed a support bubble right now).

Anyway, I’m sat writing this with a nice coffee and a napping babe and I’ve just eaten two crispy crumpets with lashings of butter so perhaps the pit is turning into a peak after all.

I’ve dreamt about tiny fingers wrapped around my

I’ve dreamt about tiny fingers wrapped around my thumb for years 💕

I am so. damn. blessed. I can’t believe how much

I am so. damn. blessed. I can’t believe how much Phoebe has changed in just 3 months, it’s beautiful to watch her growing. I have seen many written pieces in the past from others who have experienced baby loss that have mentioned how grateful they are to see their rainbow babies grow and develop when usually as parents we want it all to slow down and for them to stay so small. I can only say that her growing truly excites me. I can see the little character she is becoming and her almost giggles, almost rolling over will soon become hard giggles and inability to remain still so I’m just trying so hard to soak in every stage before we move onto the next one.

However, in just three months we have worked hard to get here. Hard as new parents again in an entirely different way and hard to be the best version of ourselves for her when those first few months truly were difficult. I’ve never felt the term ‘winging it’ more than I do now. 🙌

Allowing myself a rant so here it goes. In light

Allowing myself a rant so here it goes.

In light of recent announcements I just want to get a few things off my chest. Prior to my pregnancy, I put on my uniform daily and went into work as an NHS health care professional. I cheated the real hard work by falling pregnant at the start of a global pandemic outbreak and spent the next 6 months working from home whilst my colleagues busted their guts tirelessly to cover the lack of staff and increasingly poorly patients wearing 10 hours of non-stop PPE and navigating the best way to eat a sandwich or take a drink of water without contaminating it in the busling healthcare setting. So believe me when I say I know covid is real and I know how important a lockdown truly is to save lives. However...

I’m tired. I’m exhausted and I’m so unbelievably sad. Having lost Maddison nearly two years ago now, I knew that if I were to ever have another baby I would treasure the ground beneath my feet - to which I do. But part of that reward and enjoyment was supposed to be met with a network of support - it’s gone. I don’t know if at this rate my maternity leave will come to an end and still my baby will have only seen the same few faces. I understand that babies don’t need a lot as long as they have love, food and warmth but truly it’s me that I feel a little sorry for. Being at home all day with a baby is exhausting, it’s beautiful and rewarding all the same but it’s tough. A few hours for association and companionship with another person is like therapy, even if I spend that time purely caring for my baby in front of them, the company eases the exhaustion, if only for a few hours of the day. Being a pandemic parent has got to be one of the hardest jobs out there. I miss my friends. I miss my sisters and I miss taking my niece out for hot chocolate. I will hold on to hope and excitement for the future but for now I will wallow, because I’ll keep on keeping on tomorrow. Sending love to anyone in the same boat. (Beautiful picture of a socially distanced walk to remind myself that sunshine is never far away) X

Thirty-one 🥳. Might sound a bit less glamorous

Thirty-one 🥳. Might sound a bit less glamorous than 30, but I’m guessing your pretty made up this year Mr Hunt? Immediately writing this I just want to begin thanking you, for putting in your 50% of us.

There might be days our ratio is a little off, but there’s nothing that a bit of disagreeing, discussion, a good kiss, cuddle and kitchen dance hasn’t soon re-balanced so I feel pretty proud that our little girl has a couple of goofy ‘might get it wrong sometimes’ but devoted parents to look up to. You make up a pretty good husband and an even better daddy so despite having to fulfil one of the worst duties of parenting today by taking her little trooper for her second lot of jabs, I hope we can still give you the best lockdown birthday - for there’s always coffee. & cake. We love you to the moon and back ✨

Just like that we enter another brand new year wit

Signing out for 2020 💋

Signing out for 2020 💋

These are 4 of my favourite girls in the world. Pe

These are 4 of my favourite girls in the world. Period.

The clan that leave judgement at the door, bubbles always in the fridge and time, so much time for one another. We’ve been through losses and triumphs together and 4/5 of us have all had pandemic babies (the 5th member may as well be a mother to them all) this year - no, it wasn’t planned but my goodness the term ‘gutted’ doesn’t even begin to come close to how heartbroken I feel that our maternity leave couldn’t have been spent together. I’ve got to be grateful for the advice flowing freely at the end of my fingertips, but a watsapp chat could never compare to a close encounter with baby cuddles, frothy coffees and actual face to face conversation. Forget the blow outs in Budapest or the nights we get so drunk that one of us busts the others eye brow with a hockey stick and someone thinks chewing paracetamol will delay the day after hangover better than just simply swallowing it with water, I just want a coffee and a catch up before we are all thrust back into the working world of the NHS. I miss you all so much.

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